Spoof job ad calls for replacement Australian cricketer

Spoof job ad calls for replacement Australian cricketer

After one of the quickest batting collapses in Ashes history, someone has placed a job advertisement looking for an Australian international cricketer.

Australia relinquished the Ashes this weekend, which also prompted the retirement of captain Michael Clarke, so they will be on the search for candidates to replace the 34-year old middle order batsman.

The advert, that was placed of Guru, has very specific criteria, with the successful applicant expected to “combining high levels of stamina … with strong literacy skills,” “have the ability to remain positive at all times,” and “cope with a nation’s slim hopes on your back.”

The advert appears to be calling out to exiled England batsman Kevin Pietersen: “Please note: We are particularly interested in hearing from talented South Africans with strong Test experience (100+) with outstanding natural ability."  

The position is located in London, NW8 (Lords). The salary is “whatever it takes.”

The full advert reads:

“Do you play a little bit of Cricket?  Are you an Australian National or connected to one?  Do you like to gloat?  If it’s yes to all three, then you little Ripper!  Read on...

“Invented by the English in the 16th Century, the game of Cricket has been played in Australia since the early Aussie colonisation period (banished convicts) of the 19th Century.  Due to current underperforming talent a rare opportunity has now arisen for any new Cricketers to join a deflated Ashes team hoping to avoid another humiliating test defeat.  

“Involved with both on and off the pitch activities you should be the type of Cricketer capable of combining high levels of stamina (to cope with extensive periods in the outfield) with strong literacy skills (you will be required to complete homework which identifies three areas of improvement).

“To qualify… We want to hear from egocentrical Australians who can bat like Alastair Cook, bowl like Stuart Broad and field like Ben Stokes.  In more detail:

  • You must know your Wrong’uns from your Pie Throwers;
  • Have perfected the art of sledging;
  • Can hold a bat and throw a ball;
  • Have the ability to remain positive at all times (especially under challenging circumstances);
  • Be able to cope with long stints in the field;
  • Have a big ego.
  • If you enjoy working outdoors, like the idea of free lunches during tests (Vegemite, Tim Tams, Chiko Rolls) and can cope with a nation’s slim hopes on your back then we want to hear from you.

“Please note: We are particularly interested in hearing from talented South Africans with strong Test experience (100+) with outstanding natural ability.  Previous applicants and employees need not apply.  Get in touch...


Comments (1)

  • ChrisS
    ChrisS
    Tue, 11 Aug 2015 4:57pm BST
    mmm. Very amusing but alas slightly spoiled by the minor detail that the final Test is at The Oval. not Lord's.

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